Fears

I have daily fears.

Fears of getting stuck.

Fears of not pursuing my dreams.

Fears of not traveling.

Fears of not making a difference.

Fears of being like every one else.

If there is anything I have learned it is that fear  does not come from God but is placed before us as a barrier to inhibit us from reaching our full potencial.  I will not allow fear to stand in my way.

to believe

I am not an artist, a painter, a musician.
I have never thought of myself as creative or flowing with ideas.
I am not a writer or a poet, though I ache to be so.

But I am a believer.
I am a searcher.

I am a believer in people and in their good nature.
I search for them daily.
I believe in their ability to love and to give, to change and to grow.
I believe in knowing people and not just knowing their surface but in truly digging deep and knowing the very essence of who they are.

Why are they them?
Why are they where they are?
What makes them move?
What makes them wander?
What makes them happy?

I want to understand people.
I want to write about people.
I want to remember people.

I want to believe in people.

Music

Im delving back into music.

Im listening again.

Im living again.

Im writing it all down.

Im loving it again.

Books

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” 
                       -Jack Kerouac "On The Road"

After finishing "East of Eden", I have finally begun a new book.  "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac.  It is incredible to me how fulfilled I feel these days.   All of my days are spent at the Provo library, consumed in stories or studying spanish.   I find peace and direction in the hours spent reading and studying.  My life feels more rich.
 
I can't help but be grateful to them, the authors who have shared with me such sacred experiences.  They allowed themselves to be vulnerable and gave.  And because of them, my mind has been opened and I have come to appreciate even more the interactions I have with people and value more, the moments spent in nature.

Smith Hill

"...he was left unto himself"

Moses 1:9

 And the ^apresence of God withdrew from Moses, that his ^bglorywas not upon Moses; and Moses was left unto himself. And as he was left unto himself, he ^cfell unto the earth.


There are times in our lives when we are "left unto ourselves".  It is not due to sin or our own faults but it is because we need the time to think, to ponder, and to grow.  We need to find our passions and ourselves.  

I am "left unto myself".

Tonight, I find my thoughts turn to you:

The boy who I once loved,
 
the boy who I once left.

Never did I imagine that leaving you would bring about the most miraculous event of my life.

In leaving you,  I found myself.


I prayed for you every night.

I longed to hear from you, even to hear just one sentence, but I knew that we needed to travel our separate roads.


And in returning,  I found you.

No longer a boy but a man.

Love Letter

I found this love letter and it really touched me.  I have been thinking so much lately about the power influence that love has over people.  I believe that love has the power to change all people.  I believe that this is why God loves so unconditionally, because he knows it is the best way to change, to heal, to cultivate, and to help one progress.  I believe in love.  I have felt it and know of its power.  

“My wife got sick.  She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. 

She has lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs.

She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. 

Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. 

I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon…But then I decided to act on it. 
After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. 

She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders.

I began to pamper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased her every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.

You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: The woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.“              

Home Is Whenever I'm With You

"But I can be alone without Yoko, but I just have no wish to be. There’s no reason on earth why I should be alone without Yoko. There’s nothing more important than our relationship, nothing. And we dig being together all the time. Both of us could survive apart but what for? I’m not going to sacrifice love, real love for any whore or any friend or any business, because in the end you’re alone at night and neither of us want to be. I’ve been through it all and nothing works better than to have someone you love hold you.” 

        -John Lennon

Walking in Circles

"Without visible landmarks, human beings tend to walk in circles.  Without spiritual landmarks, mankind wanders as well. Without the word of God, we walk in circles." -Elder Uchtdorf

I may not be sure about a lot of things, I may have questions, even the occasional doubt, but I do know this is true.  

We are given guidance through the scriptures, through sheer obedience.  Often, I dont fully comprehend why I must be obedient, why I must follow certain rules or commandments, but I do know this, that the humble and meek will inherit the kingdom of heaven, the pure in heart will see the face of God.  Even when we dont understand way we must be obedient, we must remember to be as a child, meek and submissive to his will.  It is when we do this that we cease to walk in circles and begin to walk forward, towards a loving God, a loving Father, a father who see's our full potential and gives us these commandments so that we can reach that potential.