For the first time in 4 four years I am jumping forward into the unknown. I know what is most important. I know what I want in life and I am getting it. Those times when I feel weak, when I feel sad, when I long for what I once had, I cannot allow those things to affect me any longer. I find comfort in the scriptures, especially in 2 Corinthians 12:7-11. Our weaknesses, our trials, they make us stronger, they humble us so that we turn to the Lord and in turn become stronger than we ever have been. I have faith that this mission will turn me into a better person. That I will be blessed for it in all aspects of my life. I have faith that I will land back on my feet, or even better, back in the hawaiian ocean.

today, im feeling a little blue. I guess I am feeling a lot a bit blue.
need to hang in there.

And Just a side note for me to remember:

I gave all I had, I was open and wanted it to last.
I was told no. I was told to leave. I wasnt good enough.
Priorities were different from what they should have been.
I was always waiting, waiting for a call.

Don't blame me

I have to stay focused. I have to continue on in this journey no matter how scared or insecure I may feel. No matter how much I long for my home in hawaii and my friends there. I have always had the tendency to give up, BUT, not this time, because I know this is what i need to to do, for me, for the people in Washington DC, and for the Lord. I never have thought of myself as being good enough to serve a mission, because i have made so many mistakes, but it is time to put the past in the past and remember that with the lord on my side, i will succeed, I will grow, I will be blessed. I know the gospel is true and I cant deny it. so here it goes, me, no longer lingering on the past but looking to the future and the growth Im about to experience.

Why Not?

"O my brethren, if ye could be healed by merely casting about your eyes that ye might be healed, would ye not behold quickly, or would ye rather harden your hearts in unbelief, and be slothful, that ye would not cast about your eyes, that ye might perish?"

Alma 33:21

why not look a little deeper, why not pray a little harder, search a little longer, and listen a little more?

Pascal's Wager

I've been thinking a lot about Pascal's wager. A lot about how hard it is to believe in something that isnt right in front of you believing in something that seems irrational. Pascal basically says that it is in our best interest to believe in God because the rewards of living an obedient life are far greater than those of not. i spent a lot of my life believing in and living Pascal's wager.

There was a moment about 5 months ago, when i came to realize that this theory that I was living by was no longer a wager, I was living something that I believed in. I prayed and prayed, I left things, people, hawaii, my home, which I loved, and I decided to dedicate 18 months of my life to go on a mission. It is all because i knew that believing in God was very much rational. I knew that the book of mormon was true, i knew that God was listening to my prayers, therefore there was no way i could go on living as if God was "maybe" real. I could not deny it any longer and i knew that if i continued to put off what i believed I would become unhappy.

It took me hoping that God was there and living like he was there to truly realize that he IS there..

Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you come to realize that two things are essential, that is faith and humility. It takes faith to trust in God when you don't know and humility to seek him out, to pray and to listen.

Grapevine Fires

Somedays, I wake up and I think to myself, "man i wish I coulda' done better, I wish i was a better example, stronger, more obedient, more humble and more patient. I wish I had been sweeter and more giving, more loving and more fun" I guess now is the time to do all of those things, to be all of those things. To accept the things that happened and fix myself to be better.

I hope they call me on a mission, oh wait, they did

Well it is now official, I am going on a mission. I have been called to serve in the Washington DC South Mission, Spanish speaking. I report to the MTC June 1. I cannot explain the roller-coaster of emotions I have had in the last 5 months. I left hawaii, my home since I was 17 to come back to Modesto, a place where the constant reminders of tragedy and hardship have occurred. Why did I leave hawaii, because I knew I needed to change, I knew I needed something more in my life, I needed happiness. I found that in the atonement of jesus christ, I found that in the love and support of my family, I found it in the scriptures and in prayer. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true, I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God called to restore this church, and I know that President Monson is a true prophet today, who receives modern revelation. I know that anything is possible through prayer. I love this gospel and look forward to sharing it with those, like I was, who are in need, searching, hoping for something better.

What is a good friend? I grew up in a home where the most important thing was the relationships that you create in life, and I used to think i was a really good friend and with relationships in general.

My dad always used to say "I cherish relationships and know of their value and if all the success I have is the love of these people than it is enough."



I've made a lot of mistakes in the past when it comes to friendships and relationships. I have taken people for granted, I have been selfish, I have not been open or trusting. A lot of these mistakes come with the complexities within myself. I have spent most of life trying to learn how to trust people and how to let them in without being fearful of them abandoning me.
It is time for a change, I love my friends and those who I have spent time with so much, irregardless of how i once treated them, I hope that they know i care. And I am going to be better.

Just a side note for me to remember:

I gave all I had, I was open and wanted it to last.
I was told no. I was told to leave. I wasnt good enough.
Priorities were different from what they should have been.
I was always waiting, waiting for a call.
Don't blame me

Winter Winds

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"